


Isolation

by SlightlyApathetic



Series: Reformation [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Blow Jobs, F/M, Oral Sex, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 17:10:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17832707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlightlyApathetic/pseuds/SlightlyApathetic
Summary: Elena is the twenty-first century love of Bucky's life, and she loves him so completely. Too bad she doesn't know how to love herself.





	Isolation

She stood by the side of the bed, staring at where they had lain together only an hour ago before he had to leave for work, and slowly knelt down to the floor. No one was home, but Elena still felt the need to cover her mouth as sobs broke free. There were no tears, she hadn’t been able to manage tears for a while now, but the sobs paid no mind to that and just kept coming. It was like half of her was devastated and the other half just couldn’t muster up enough of anything to care.

It only lasted for a couple of minutes before the rest of her decided to stop caring too and she couldn’t even sob anymore. She straightened her back from the hunched position she had been in and then stood up silently. She glanced once more around the room, their room, before she locked eyes with herself in the mirror and had to look away.

She could feel the hate wash over her in the coldest way that hate could. It wasn’t a fiery hate that consumed her every time she thought about herself and her body, but rather a chill that seem to freeze more and more of her heart every time she saw herself. It consumed her as hate was want to do but was unwilling to provide her with the warmth it gave others.

She was so cold.

Making her way to the restroom to take a shower was an indulgence that she needed. She always took her showers at night but today felt like a two-shower day. Of course, she reasoned after she had stripped and managed the water to her liking, it wasn’t the shower that she sought after, even if she did love showering, but what she did while she was in there.

Looking down at herself and seeing the product of her favorite part of the day she could almost convince herself that this was happiness. But no, happy people probably didn’t do this to themselves.

She never liked pain – that was probably the point of this – and was apprehensive to start with the stomach again like she had the past few days so she set her sights to her thighs. Bending over slightly and letting the bulge of her stomach fuel her actions she placed her nails right above her knees and brought them up and hard and as quickly as she could. The skin turned red and some places were even bleeding.

Good.

The water splashed against her legs as she resumed standing and she hissed at the pain. Elena never claimed to be a masochist, but this made her feel better whenever it was pain on her terms that allowed her to pay penance for existing.

She repeats the process on her arms but was, as always, careful to be a bit gentler so as to not leave any marks that wouldn’t fade when her skin dried. Arms weren’t as easy to hide as thighs.

Done with that, she made her way to the biggest source of her ire: her stomach. She clawed back and forth across her stomach with both hands and was pleased to see multiple spots immediately bleed at the irritation.

The new marks fit right over where she used to cut herself years ago and the ugliness of it all made her feel justified. She was ugly so she deserved this ugly deed, it was only right. And if it made her feel better and like she could actually face the day? Well, so be it.

Once she was done, she made her way out of the shower and began to fry off, once again catching herself in a mirror. She straightened up again and watched as her stomach covered in more blood before turning away, no longer interested.

She got ready for the day, skipping her makeup once again because what did it matter, and had her cup of coffee before heading out of the door to her only class for the day. When she was finished with that and came back home, she decided, she was going to take a nap. It had been quite a while since she’d done that and she really needed the peaceful numbness that was sleep.

\--

She was roused awake by the feeling of a hand caressing her face. She stretched slightly, dislodging the hand. It responded by making its way down her side to the bottom edge of her shirt. Realizing what would happen if Bucky discovered what she had been doing to herself, her eyes flew open.

She quickly sat up and away from the hand before looking at him.

His head was tilted to the side in curiosity and so she smiled at him and tried to ignore the situation by changing the subject before the subject was ever addressed, “Hi Bucky, you’re home early,” her voice was raspy from the sleep, but she knew he liked the sound.

He smiled at her from his laid-out position on the bed, his head coming off of his arm as he sat up to fully face her, “Rogers let me come home early because I’ve been neglecting my girl.” He smiled that endearing smile at her and she blushed like she always did.

“It’s not neglect until you stop making my coffee, then we have an issue.” She teased him and he laughed at her cheek. It had been a while since they had had any alone time. Bucky and the Avengers had gone on a month-long mission which had required the two weeks prior to it to be filled with nonstop training and intel gathering that had kept Bucky at the tower most nights. Now, two weeks after the mission, Bucky had still had to spend many nights at the Tower because of one reason or another.

The distance may have been one of the factors that allowed her normal level of self-hatred to fester to the level that it had, but she knew that that was in no way his fault.

“Oh well in that case, I guess I should just head on back to the Tower,” he was joking but a part of her was hoping that he would. She smirked at him even though she felt like turning around and going back to sleep, “Seriously though,” his face sharpened with intensity, “we haven’t gotten to be alone in two months now besides when I slip in at night and get my fix of Lena cuddles while you’re barely conscious. And there’s only so many times a man can beat it to his hand when thinking about his girl’s pretty pussy before his hand just isn’t enough to get the job done.” There’s Bucky, never letting anything become too serious. She loved that about him.

“Did you try switching hands?” she let out a sharp gasp as he lunged on top of her to cage her in between his arms.

“Little Minx,” he whispered inches away from her face. She laughed in response before she found her laughter stifled by his mouth. She took a moment to be thankful for mouthwash. Without it, he would have been able to smell the throw up on her breath that had taken place after her second shower. As his tongue slipped in between her lips, his hands slid down to where they had been before. And, once again, the panic set in.

“Bucky, stop.” She pushed at his chest and he immediately halted his actions.

“What’s wrong, Lena baby?” She could feel his desire against her stomach and decided that the best way to get herself out of the situation with the least damage was to completely avoid the problem.

“I love you, and I’ve kind of already taken care of my situation,” she looked to her nightstand where they both knew all of her sex toys were at before looking back at him, “so I want to take care of you tonight. I know that you still have to get up early tomorrow and extra sleep would do you some good. Let me take care of you, baby.” She blinked up at him and slipped her hand down into his sweats.

Grasping his familiar length, she started to slowly rub it up and down as she watched the pleasure show on his face.

Hissing out he still managed to argue, “That’s not fair to you, sweetheart.” She continued her ministrations.

“Oh trust me, I got mine. I took myself on a one way trip to heaven and was barely coming back from it when you came home. Don’t worry about me, I want to do this,” that seemed to do it for him and he allowed her to give him a hand job that ended with her mouth around his tip and him blowing in her mouth. She swallowed and then pulled back so that he could pull up his pants and wrap an arm around her. They maneuvered covers over themselves and Bucky turned off his lamp.

“As impressive as your hand jobs might be, I know that even you’re not skilled enough to put your mouth on your dick.” He laughed and agreed with her.

“You’re sure right about that, darling. Your hand jobs may be a bit better than mine.” She hummed in satisfaction and then snuggled into him to find her way back to sleep.

\--

“Come on, sweetheart,” Bucky complained as Elena once again told him that she had taken care of herself and just wanted to take care of him, “there’s only so many times you can tell a guy that before he starts to question his performance.”

Elena rolled her eyes at him and kissed his nose, “There is absolutely no problem with your performance. If girls knew the magic you can do with those hands, you wouldn’t have a free moment in your life. I just got into a pattern of taking care of myself when you first got busy and it stuck.” She had her hand on his cock like she always did when she wanted him to stop worrying about her pleasure, but it didn’t seem to be working tonight.

“If I’m so good, why don’t you let me go down on you and say hi to that pretty pink part of you that I’ve started to believe I’ve made up? Come on, Lena, you used to let me spend entire weekends down there. What happened?” his concern was overpowering the pleasure and she cursed his love for her in that moment.

“Nothing happened, Bucky, I just want to take care of you.”

“And I want to take care of you Elena, please let me. You know how much I love to get you off. It would mean more to me if you let me eat you out than for you to give me another amazing hand job.” He was being persistent.

She blew out a breath, “Fine, but we have to turn the lights off and I get to keep my shirt on.” That made him look even more worried.

“Elena-“she cut him off.

“Never mind,” she said briskly, “I’m tired, I think I just need to sleep on the couch tonight.” She grabbed a pillow and started to make her way to the door when a hand caught her wrist.

“Elena, I’m worried. What’s going on? Why do you want to keep your shirt on?” his concern was touching but now wasn’t the time for it.

“It’s nothing, Bucky. Please, just leave it alone. I don’t want to upset you and it’s not your problem.” She tried to pull out of his hold.

“Your problems are my problems, Lena. I love you and you’re my girl. Whatever is bothering you is something I need to know about so that I can stop it.” He was just so good.

Her shoulders sagged, “Please stop, Bucky.” She unconsciously pulled down her shirt and he noticed the action.

“Why don’t you want me to see your stomach?” his eyes narrowed, and he looked at her shirt accusingly. He reached for her hem and she put her free hand on top of his to stop him.

“No, Bucky.”

“I love you, Elena, and that’s why I’m going to look anyways. I know that it’s not my right but you’re scaring me, and I need to know.” He easily lifted up the shirt even with her hand trying to stop his and she closed her eyes.

His hand paused only once on its journey, when he first saw the wounds and knew that they had to be self-inflicted, before quickly bringing the shirt all of the way up and pulling it off of her, letting go of her wrist.

“Why Elena?” his hand moved forward to touch her stomach before stopping an inch away, afraid of hurting her even though it was obvious she had no such fear.

There were tears starting to form in his eyes, “Because it makes me feel better.” Bucky sunk to his knees and started up at her with visible pain in his eyes.

“How long?” he gripped her sides and his thumbs massaged unmarked skin.

“Not long.” She didn’t want to talk about it.

“How long, Elena?” there was no anger in his voice which made it possible for her to answer.

“About 8 weeks now.” He sobbed at the answer.

“How does this make you feel better?”

“Because I deserve it.” There was no other way to explain it.

As a man who spent most of his life fighting, Bucky wasn’t a stranger to scars and self-hatred. He just never thought he’d see both of them on the woman he loved, “You don’t deserve this. I promise you. I’m going to make it better,” he may not be able to turn back time, but he would give her a better future. It was the least he could do for the first person that made him feel human again. He had to make it better.


End file.
